Why I am not trying to lose weight....

I read something this morning that hit home.

It was an article about a person who was tired of being labelled ‘fat’ by society’s standards. They had had enough and were ready to just stop the chaos that they were creating in their life by hating their body.

Definitely hit home.

In my line of work, as owner of a fitness facility, and in women’s empowerment, I hear daily how women hate their bodies.

And who can blame them?

Man, society sets us up to fail.  

Magazine covers, supermodels, movie stars, misguided blogs, social media memes and posts…they hurt us women on so many levels…and that hurt is often more than we can bear!

I was totally beat up on social media for owning a fitness facility and looking chunky.  

And it hurt me.  I let it hurt me for a long time.

Man, these kinds of things hurt us to the point that we do terrible things to our bodies – starving, overexercising, hating them.

We hold ourselves back from pictures, mirrors, blue jeans, social events, intimacy, reunions, holidays…

In other words, we hold ourselves back from living life.

Goodness knows, I did.

I starved my body for decades.  I went through periods of over-exercising. I tried every gimmick and trend out there. 

The sad part was, even if, by some miracle (and a whole lot of starving), I got down to certain size or weight, I still hated my body.

Because I never measured up to the other women.

I never felt like I was beautiful, or thin enough, or tall enough.

And in talking to my many clients, and peers, and friends and family, I know I am not alone in that thinking.

Then I read this article and the biggest factor for me was when the author wrote:

‘I am not trying to be fat and I am not trying to be thin.  For the first time in my life, I’m not obsessing about my body size at all because my quest for healing and full-body wellness simply cannot be determined by a number on the scale.”

And that, folks, is where I am in my life as well.

I am tired of the exhaustion of trying to measure up to people who don’t even have the same body type as me.

Exhausted..yes….so exhausted…

I mean, worrying about every morsel of food I put in my mouth, pulling at my tight shirts, watching how other women were probably watching and judging me, obsessing how I can’t keep up with the 25 year old fitness gurus in their workouts, hiding my arms because of my bat wings, so self-conscious that I have to seek out a pillow to cover my midriff when I sit with others, or hide behind others when the camera comes out (or disappear altogether).  

Wanting the steak at the restaurant, but ordering the boring and tasteless house salad with no dressing. 

Checking out every magazine or new fitness DVD, grabbing at the next get skinny quick scheme….praying that this was the one that would change my life.  

Exhausting….

So I quit.  

I quit obsessing about my body size.  

I am not trying to be fat, and I am not trying to be a size 6 anymore.

What I am trying to do is love myself.  

All of my warts, bumps, lumps, dimples, marks, and scars.

Because I’ve spent most of my first 5 decades hating them.

Withdrawing from life. Holding back.

Not anymore!

And I am trying to teach my clients to do the same.  To love themselves enough to take care of themselves.  Because when we love ourselves, taking care of us becomes easier. 

I am stronger now than I have ever been.  I was sooo physically weak at a starving skinny fat size 6....and still exhausted!

I eat healthy, I move my body regularly, I am managing my stress more, I go to bed earlier, and I feel better than I have in a very long time!

The author also wrote: “And by the way, there are way more interesting things about me than my BMI.”

And yep, my BMI matters not to me.

When I had last starved myself down to a size 6, I was sooooo skinny fat, I went to the dr’s office for an appt.  I looked at his BMI chart, I was still considered morbidly obese on that chart!

I was a size 6, and still weighed almost 150 lbs..which labelled me obese.

Man, that could have messed me up bad.  Especially when the dr HIMSELF, told me to gain back some weight.  That I looked awful.  (which I did).  I replied “But dr, I am still obese according to your BMI chart”, and he said he didn’t care. I needed to gain about 20 lbs, he told me.

The insanity of it all…

I mean, there IS way more to me than my BMI...

I also just read a post that Robbie Trip wrote about his wife.  It’s awesome!  He got a LOT of backlash for his post, and I admire and applaud him for standing up to the trolls and haters.  Go check him out, he has a public page!  

Anyway, he wrote about the love of his life, his wife, and about her curves and delightful body:

“As a teenager, I was often teased by my friends for my attraction to girls on the thicker side, ones who were shorter and curvier, girls that the average (basic) bro might refer to as “chubby” or even “fat”.  Then, as I became a man and started to educate myself on issues such as feminism and how the media marginalizes women by portraying a very narrow and very specific standard of beauty (thin, tall, lean), I realized how many men have bought into that lie.  For me, there is nothing sexier than this woman right here: thick thighs, big booty, cute little side roll, etc.  Her shape and size won’t be the one features on the cover of Cosmopolitan but it’s the one featured in my life and in my heart.  There’s nothing sexier to me than a woman who is both curvy and confident; this gorgeous girl I married fills out every inch of her jeans and is still the most beautiful one in the room.  Guys, rethink what society has told that you should desire.  A real woman is not a porn star or a bikini mannequin or a movie character.  She’s real. She has beautiful stretch marks on her hips and cute little dimples on her booty.”

Imagine a world where we, as women, were told stuff like this every day.

Imagine a world where we, as women, could actually drop our barriers and love ourselves…wholly and sincerely…with kindness and respect.

Imagine….

Because, in my line of work, I hear how women truly truly hate their bodies.  I see their tears.  I witness their attempts at finding the one ‘thing’ that will change it all….and create what they are looking for.  I hear their pain...and I feel their pain, because I've lived it.  

But sadly, that cannot be found outside of themselves.

The BMI chart will always deflate them, the magazine covers will always mock them, the evil trolls in the world will always target their vulnerability with promises of gimmicks, gadgets, powder, and pills that will never give them what they seek...only take their money.

Even at a size 6, I felt ugly.  I felt unworthy.  I criticized myself even more and become more obsessed with what I was eating because I feared other people’s judgments about what I was eating in public, and I totally feared gaining my weight back…which I totally did.  Every time.

I am lucky, however, in that I have a Robbie Trip in my life.

My husband tells me daily how beautiful I am.  He tells me all of the time how he loves my legs (what?  My short stubby thick legs??)

He tells me to eat, to stop the insanity of starvation.

He holds me when I cry. He listens to me when I cry and am feeling ugly.

And he then he repeatedly tells me how beautiful I am.

So much so, that I may just be starting to believe him.  I mean, he could be with anyone, and he chose me.  

Must be something here he likes.  

He teaches me everyday to let go of what I consider to be horrible and ugly.

And I am choosing to listen to him more and society less.

Always a work in progress, but I was delighted to read these articles and posts this week.

We women need more of them!

Here is the article that triggered this blog:

https://www.self.com/story/im-not-trying-to-lose-weight

So men out there, love your ladies. 

Even if they push you away, even if they don’t believe you yet, even if they can’t seem to see what you see, keep loving them.

Because you loving them, unconditionally, may be the only thing keeping them from a complete breakdown.

We are listening fellas, we really are. 

And we are trying….~M