Wearing the hats...

As I was cleaning the pool this morning….don’t excited, getting all "oh it must be nice to have a pool".....it’s a small thing, up to my waist, but it does the job on a hot day!  ;-)  

…anyway…

As I was cleaning the pool this morning, I was thinking of all the things in my life that ARE NOT getting done.  

You know, the less fun stuff.  The laundry, the sweeping and mopping, the organizing, etc.

And for a brief moment, I felt really bad about it all.  

Why can’t I be more organized?

Why can’t my house be neat and tidy all of the time?

Why don’t I make my bed every day?

Why don’t I spend more time on these kinds of things?

I am a failure.

Will I ever get it right?

Then I stopped myself.

I stopped the negativity toward me.  I stopped beating myself up.

I stopped being so hard on myself, because I was making myself feel pretty awful.  

Falling back into old stinking thinking patterns…ugh…

I mean, there is only one of me.  

Every day, I know I do what I need to do.  

Some days I need to wear my business owner hat.

Some days I need to wear my sculpting hat.

Some days I need to wear the mom/daughter/wife/sister hat.

Some days I need to wear the housekeeper/pool boy/laundress hat.

Some days I need to wear all of them at one time it feels like.

And some days, it can be quite tiring, so that’s when I take off all of the hats and just be me.  

Ya, there’s a bit of worry and concern and guilt when that happens, but I know it’s necessary now.  

When people show up at my house, and I am having a down moment on my couch, or reading a book, I used to feel ashamed.  

I don’t anymore.

Because I know what will happen if I don’t take that time…..and burn out is not very much fun.

Sitting in a puddle, daily, crying, is not very much fun.

If you come to my house, and I am on the couch, reading or watching a movie, it's because I am done in that moment.  

I just needed to stop and regroup and catch my breath.

And I am thankful I know now that I have to.

So, for all the people out there, wearing all your hats today, remember that it is ok to take them off and simply be you for a few minutes every day.

It’s ok to just chill and take some time to regroup.

It’s ok to not feel switched ‘on’ 24/7.

I read a lot about how we need to just be ‘you’ and let go of the rest.  Those memes/quotes are not that awesome.   What does that even mean?

They can be confusing, because, at the end of the day, we still need to show up for all of the roles we play.

We do need to still be the mom, wife, employer, employee, sister, housekeeper, pool boy, grandparent and so on.

We still need to do all the things we need to do.  

I think what those memes and quotes are saying is to stay as true as possible to who you are on the inside, while you are being and doing.

To trust that you are worthy of anything, same as anyone else.

To understand that you can be authentically you, in all of your roles. 

Yes, we do have to shape shift.  I do have to act a bit different at my facility than I do at home…in the sense that I have to wear socks and maybe not curse as much..haha.

But I am still true to who I am at my core.

Oh, I wasn’t always comfortable being me in every situation. I didn’t think I was very important.

I didn’t think anyone really cared about what I had to say or who I was.

So, I acted in ways that didn’t feel very good for me.  And you know what?  That usually led to some pretty uncomfortable situations for me.  

We all wear masks for the roles we play, for sure.

  

But I am finding that I wear fewer masks than I used to.

And although it feels a bit scary and unsafe some days, I am actually embracing the vulnerability it creates.  Because it helps me be more me than I have ever been.  

Moving out of my comfort zone helps me create more.  Moving out of my comfort zone opens up all kinds of opportunities and possibilities for me that I could never even imagine for myself.

Moving out of my comfort zone allows me to help others see that it’s pretty safe out here, and that they should try it as well.

The scared mousy me role that I played for a few years is not a role I ever want to play again.  I felt trapped and insecure and totally unworthy and definitely undeserving.

The ache to stop being that frightened girl was about as deep and raw as any feeling I’ve ever felt, and it wasn’t a fun being scared and 1000% self-conscious all of the time.

When I think of all the opportunities I didn’t take because I was just too scared to, I just shake my head. I was so concerned about what others might think.  I feared being judged…..the biggest fear for most people!

I was asked to be make up artist and hair stylist on movie sets and on an ongoing country music tv show for pete’s sake, and I said no.  That was wayyyyyyyyy too far out of my comfort zone.  Imagine what I’d be doing now, if I’d only said yes, like I really wanted to.  

I can’t change that now, but I can allow it to teach me something.  I can embrace the lesson in that.

Although I have a ways to go, I do like who I am becoming.  

I do like that I can be me in almost any situation now, and that’s ok.  

Sometimes the quiet-I-just-want-to-sit-here-and-listen me shows up; and sometimes the social butterfly shows up. 

Sometimes the flirty-skin-bearing-vixen shows up and sometimes the flannel-wearing-innocent-saint appears.

Sometimes the housekeeper in me goes hard and other times, the slothly-I-just-want-sit-and-do-nothing me is present.

And you know what, that’s ok.

Because I am just being who I need to be in that moment.  Authentic and real and raw and me.

I don’t require as many hats with masks anymore, because I can be more me now in most situations than I’ve ever been, and I am so very grateful for that.  So grateful.  

That being said, I shall remove the blog hat now....it's time for the hatless me to go for a dip in our renegade pool!

Have a blessed day!....~M