Why I am not trying to lose weight....

I read something this morning that hit home.

It was an article about a person who was tired of being labelled ‘fat’ by society’s standards. They had had enough and were ready to just stop the chaos that they were creating in their life by hating their body.

Definitely hit home.

In my line of work, as owner of a fitness facility, and in women’s empowerment, I hear daily how women hate their bodies.

And who can blame them?

Man, society sets us up to fail.  

Magazine covers, supermodels, movie stars, misguided blogs, social media memes and posts…they hurt us women on so many levels…and that hurt is often more than we can bear!

I was totally beat up on social media for owning a fitness facility and looking chunky.  

And it hurt me.  I let it hurt me for a long time.

Man, these kinds of things hurt us to the point that we do terrible things to our bodies – starving, overexercising, hating them.

We hold ourselves back from pictures, mirrors, blue jeans, social events, intimacy, reunions, holidays…

In other words, we hold ourselves back from living life.

Goodness knows, I did.

I starved my body for decades.  I went through periods of over-exercising. I tried every gimmick and trend out there. 

The sad part was, even if, by some miracle (and a whole lot of starving), I got down to certain size or weight, I still hated my body.

Because I never measured up to the other women.

I never felt like I was beautiful, or thin enough, or tall enough.

And in talking to my many clients, and peers, and friends and family, I know I am not alone in that thinking.

Then I read this article and the biggest factor for me was when the author wrote:

‘I am not trying to be fat and I am not trying to be thin.  For the first time in my life, I’m not obsessing about my body size at all because my quest for healing and full-body wellness simply cannot be determined by a number on the scale.”

And that, folks, is where I am in my life as well.

I am tired of the exhaustion of trying to measure up to people who don’t even have the same body type as me.

Exhausted..yes….so exhausted…

I mean, worrying about every morsel of food I put in my mouth, pulling at my tight shirts, watching how other women were probably watching and judging me, obsessing how I can’t keep up with the 25 year old fitness gurus in their workouts, hiding my arms because of my bat wings, so self-conscious that I have to seek out a pillow to cover my midriff when I sit with others, or hide behind others when the camera comes out (or disappear altogether).  

Wanting the steak at the restaurant, but ordering the boring and tasteless house salad with no dressing. 

Checking out every magazine or new fitness DVD, grabbing at the next get skinny quick scheme….praying that this was the one that would change my life.  

Exhausting….

So I quit.  

I quit obsessing about my body size.  

I am not trying to be fat, and I am not trying to be a size 6 anymore.

What I am trying to do is love myself.  

All of my warts, bumps, lumps, dimples, marks, and scars.

Because I’ve spent most of my first 5 decades hating them.

Withdrawing from life. Holding back.

Not anymore!

And I am trying to teach my clients to do the same.  To love themselves enough to take care of themselves.  Because when we love ourselves, taking care of us becomes easier. 

I am stronger now than I have ever been.  I was sooo physically weak at a starving skinny fat size 6....and still exhausted!

I eat healthy, I move my body regularly, I am managing my stress more, I go to bed earlier, and I feel better than I have in a very long time!

The author also wrote: “And by the way, there are way more interesting things about me than my BMI.”

And yep, my BMI matters not to me.

When I had last starved myself down to a size 6, I was sooooo skinny fat, I went to the dr’s office for an appt.  I looked at his BMI chart, I was still considered morbidly obese on that chart!

I was a size 6, and still weighed almost 150 lbs..which labelled me obese.

Man, that could have messed me up bad.  Especially when the dr HIMSELF, told me to gain back some weight.  That I looked awful.  (which I did).  I replied “But dr, I am still obese according to your BMI chart”, and he said he didn’t care. I needed to gain about 20 lbs, he told me.

The insanity of it all…

I mean, there IS way more to me than my BMI...

I also just read a post that Robbie Trip wrote about his wife.  It’s awesome!  He got a LOT of backlash for his post, and I admire and applaud him for standing up to the trolls and haters.  Go check him out, he has a public page!  

Anyway, he wrote about the love of his life, his wife, and about her curves and delightful body:

“As a teenager, I was often teased by my friends for my attraction to girls on the thicker side, ones who were shorter and curvier, girls that the average (basic) bro might refer to as “chubby” or even “fat”.  Then, as I became a man and started to educate myself on issues such as feminism and how the media marginalizes women by portraying a very narrow and very specific standard of beauty (thin, tall, lean), I realized how many men have bought into that lie.  For me, there is nothing sexier than this woman right here: thick thighs, big booty, cute little side roll, etc.  Her shape and size won’t be the one features on the cover of Cosmopolitan but it’s the one featured in my life and in my heart.  There’s nothing sexier to me than a woman who is both curvy and confident; this gorgeous girl I married fills out every inch of her jeans and is still the most beautiful one in the room.  Guys, rethink what society has told that you should desire.  A real woman is not a porn star or a bikini mannequin or a movie character.  She’s real. She has beautiful stretch marks on her hips and cute little dimples on her booty.”

Imagine a world where we, as women, were told stuff like this every day.

Imagine a world where we, as women, could actually drop our barriers and love ourselves…wholly and sincerely…with kindness and respect.

Imagine….

Because, in my line of work, I hear how women truly truly hate their bodies.  I see their tears.  I witness their attempts at finding the one ‘thing’ that will change it all….and create what they are looking for.  I hear their pain...and I feel their pain, because I've lived it.  

But sadly, that cannot be found outside of themselves.

The BMI chart will always deflate them, the magazine covers will always mock them, the evil trolls in the world will always target their vulnerability with promises of gimmicks, gadgets, powder, and pills that will never give them what they seek...only take their money.

Even at a size 6, I felt ugly.  I felt unworthy.  I criticized myself even more and become more obsessed with what I was eating because I feared other people’s judgments about what I was eating in public, and I totally feared gaining my weight back…which I totally did.  Every time.

I am lucky, however, in that I have a Robbie Trip in my life.

My husband tells me daily how beautiful I am.  He tells me all of the time how he loves my legs (what?  My short stubby thick legs??)

He tells me to eat, to stop the insanity of starvation.

He holds me when I cry. He listens to me when I cry and am feeling ugly.

And he then he repeatedly tells me how beautiful I am.

So much so, that I may just be starting to believe him.  I mean, he could be with anyone, and he chose me.  

Must be something here he likes.  

He teaches me everyday to let go of what I consider to be horrible and ugly.

And I am choosing to listen to him more and society less.

Always a work in progress, but I was delighted to read these articles and posts this week.

We women need more of them!

Here is the article that triggered this blog:

https://www.self.com/story/im-not-trying-to-lose-weight

So men out there, love your ladies. 

Even if they push you away, even if they don’t believe you yet, even if they can’t seem to see what you see, keep loving them.

Because you loving them, unconditionally, may be the only thing keeping them from a complete breakdown.

We are listening fellas, we really are. 

And we are trying….~M

Three little wishes....

The one thing I have noticed in my work with women (all people, really), is that they have no dreams. 

Oh, maybe I should correct that.  They have dreams…like getting out of debt.  That, my friends, is not a dream.  

That is a necessity…not a dream.  

Dreams, although can vary in form, shape, size, are the things that we wanted in our lives, for our lives, to be a part of, and the stuff that will make us satisfied, content, impassioned, nurtured, adventurous, and fun.

They are the stuff that sometimes push us out of our comfort zones.

They are the things that connect us to others.

They are what drives us to get up in the morning.  

They are what gives us a sense of accomplishment, joy, delight and confidence.

But we seem to have forgotten to dream in our society.  

We are too busy making ends meet.  

We are too tired to dream.

Heck, we don’t even know what our dreams are!

When I ask people what gives them joy, outside of friends and family, most have no idea.

When I ask people what three things they are grateful for, the 3 main things are family, friends, health and sometimes their job.  Sometimes. So many hate their jobs, but feel they have no choice but to stay.

Wishes are like that as well.

I mean, I totally get it. 

When I get my birthday cake, and I am asked to make a wish before blowing out the candles, I have no idea what to wish for.  I’m pretty basic and I don’t require material things, so I never knew what to wish for.

So, I challenged myself and a friend to come up with three wishes, and write about it.  One of her wishes is to write, so we decided to come up with topics and just write. 

Our wishes can be about anything.  We also have to include a ‘why’.

They can be fun, serious, quirky, or deep.

They can’t be about friends, family, or our health.

Here are my three wishes.

Wish #1

That I continue to make choices that inspire others to be more adventurous.  To come out of their comfort zones.  

Because, in choosing those things that inspire others, I have no choice but to step out of my own comfort zone!!

Oh sure, it’s easier to play it safe, it’s easier to not spend money on new things, it’s more comfortable to sit on my couch and watch tv all night….but it doesn’t feed my soul.

Getting out of my comfort zone helps me to become more.  It helps me to aim a bit higher every day.  

I gain more confidence when I accomplish things I had no idea I was capable of doing.

Do I fear failure?  Oh for sure, but I know that there really is no failure.  Only lessons. I truly believe that.  So I learn them, and move on with a new perspective.  

Do I fear judgement from others?  Absolutely!! Fear of judgement is the biggest fear we all have!  I don’t really think anyone has a fear of public speaking, what they are fearing is the judgement of others.  

But, there was a time in my life where I felt paralyzed.  Too scared to step outside the confinements and barriers of my self-imposed comfort zone.  Mostly because of my fear of judgment ;-)

And I was miserable. 

So yes, my first wish is that I continue to step away from those areas and barriers of comfort and have more adventures!

Wish #2

My subsequent wishes were more challenging to think of.  Remember, the birthday candle thing?    

Haha, it’s still a challenge.  

And my first wish covers so many areas of my life.

After some thought, I decided my second wish would be for the world.  

I know, I know…world peace and all, such a cliché and what does it even mean?

But my wish is that, by honoring others and by being kind, I hope that I can bring up the vibe of the earth, and that will help heal some of the hurt, anger, blame, shame, guilt, offensiveness and unkindness we see every single day.

With the introduction and ongoing forms of social media, the ugly of the world is present in almost every aspect of communication and seems to almost be our new culture.  

Does it have to be that way?

I would like to think not, but what can I do as a single entity in this big big world?

I can be kind to others. I can compliment people.  I can clean up trash and litter when I see it. I can make eye contact with the cashier and wish them well, even if they’ve been crusty to me.

I can mind my own business, and if I come across something that is not in my interest, or that I would never do, I can just move on.  I don’t have to make a big deal or slam someone because they chose something different than I would choose. 

Man, we get offended by the craziest thing, and we don't have any issue pointing out how wrong that person/situation is!  I belong to many groups on social media and some of the hurtful comments are brutal.  Why should someone be cruelly bashed for the colours they choose for their acrylic pours?  Makes no sense.  If you don't like something, no need to be hurtful or cruel, just move on.  

I can listen more.  Like really listen.  I don't have to label anything or judge it, I can just be there for someone, without pointing out the wrongness of them.  

I think that if I can be more present in my life…if I can help as many people in their trip on this earth, than that can somehow contribute to a more peaceful world.

So I wish to be kind...always...

Wish #3

In making wishes, I always felt greedy.  I felt like I had some great things in my life, so why ask for more.  

Again, I have come to discover that material things don’t inspire me nor do I require them.

I am happy to buy my clothes at garage sales.  I am happy to dig out old cabinets out of sheds and use them in my home.  

I don’t require shiny and new.

Greed is a distraction. It’s something used to take the focus off what we truly desire.  Just because someone requires so many more things than I do, does not give me the right to say that they are wrong.  Making others wrong is something we do to distract ourselves from going after what we desire.....mostly because we don't know what we desire.  Or we are so miserable with our life choices up to that point, we have to make others feel miserable, as well. God forbid, others should truly love their lives.  ;-)

Now, of course, if someone is hurting someone else, in the name of material things or power, then yes, that is not super cool, I get that.

But in my everyday life, it’s not my place to judge others.

My third wish is in the area of gifting.

At one point, I would have thought that was just me being greedy.  Wanting more.  Wishing for ‘more’.  

I thought I needed to give more than I needed to get.  

That I needed to nurture others, sometimes at the risk of burning out myself.

After all, what’s the adage: “It’s better to give than to receive”’?  How has that messed us up???

I mean, we all feel great gifting others, don’t we?  It gives us a bit of happiness, joy, meaning and grace.

So, when we don’t allow others to gift us;  as in compliments, material things, love, acts of kindness, just to name a few, we are actually taking something away from them.

We are making them feel like they are unimportant and that we don’t find their ‘gift’ worthy of receiving. 

It’s a form of disempowering, even though we don’t realize it.  

So, I wish to get better at receiving.

Whatever it is.  

That I say thank you and take the gift that is being offered, and that is all.  No need to say "you shouldn't have", or "No, I can't possibly accept that".  Just say thank you, and receive it.  

Because, I now know, it is a very generous act of kindness to receive.

Whew, there are my three wishes.

But really, what I require, desire and deserve….a life with meaning.  Wishes that are going to create more for me and the world.

What three things do you wish for?  Remember, can’t be about family…we all want the best for our children.  Happiness, love, opportunities...that is a given. 

But what about you???????

Wish away my friends…and see more opportunities show up!!

.....~M

Wearing the hats...

As I was cleaning the pool this morning….don’t excited, getting all "oh it must be nice to have a pool".....it’s a small thing, up to my waist, but it does the job on a hot day!  ;-)  

…anyway…

As I was cleaning the pool this morning, I was thinking of all the things in my life that ARE NOT getting done.  

You know, the less fun stuff.  The laundry, the sweeping and mopping, the organizing, etc.

And for a brief moment, I felt really bad about it all.  

Why can’t I be more organized?

Why can’t my house be neat and tidy all of the time?

Why don’t I make my bed every day?

Why don’t I spend more time on these kinds of things?

I am a failure.

Will I ever get it right?

Then I stopped myself.

I stopped the negativity toward me.  I stopped beating myself up.

I stopped being so hard on myself, because I was making myself feel pretty awful.  

Falling back into old stinking thinking patterns…ugh…

I mean, there is only one of me.  

Every day, I know I do what I need to do.  

Some days I need to wear my business owner hat.

Some days I need to wear my sculpting hat.

Some days I need to wear the mom/daughter/wife/sister hat.

Some days I need to wear the housekeeper/pool boy/laundress hat.

Some days I need to wear all of them at one time it feels like.

And some days, it can be quite tiring, so that’s when I take off all of the hats and just be me.  

Ya, there’s a bit of worry and concern and guilt when that happens, but I know it’s necessary now.  

When people show up at my house, and I am having a down moment on my couch, or reading a book, I used to feel ashamed.  

I don’t anymore.

Because I know what will happen if I don’t take that time…..and burn out is not very much fun.

Sitting in a puddle, daily, crying, is not very much fun.

If you come to my house, and I am on the couch, reading or watching a movie, it's because I am done in that moment.  

I just needed to stop and regroup and catch my breath.

And I am thankful I know now that I have to.

So, for all the people out there, wearing all your hats today, remember that it is ok to take them off and simply be you for a few minutes every day.

It’s ok to just chill and take some time to regroup.

It’s ok to not feel switched ‘on’ 24/7.

I read a lot about how we need to just be ‘you’ and let go of the rest.  Those memes/quotes are not that awesome.   What does that even mean?

They can be confusing, because, at the end of the day, we still need to show up for all of the roles we play.

We do need to still be the mom, wife, employer, employee, sister, housekeeper, pool boy, grandparent and so on.

We still need to do all the things we need to do.  

I think what those memes and quotes are saying is to stay as true as possible to who you are on the inside, while you are being and doing.

To trust that you are worthy of anything, same as anyone else.

To understand that you can be authentically you, in all of your roles. 

Yes, we do have to shape shift.  I do have to act a bit different at my facility than I do at home…in the sense that I have to wear socks and maybe not curse as much..haha.

But I am still true to who I am at my core.

Oh, I wasn’t always comfortable being me in every situation. I didn’t think I was very important.

I didn’t think anyone really cared about what I had to say or who I was.

So, I acted in ways that didn’t feel very good for me.  And you know what?  That usually led to some pretty uncomfortable situations for me.  

We all wear masks for the roles we play, for sure.

  

But I am finding that I wear fewer masks than I used to.

And although it feels a bit scary and unsafe some days, I am actually embracing the vulnerability it creates.  Because it helps me be more me than I have ever been.  

Moving out of my comfort zone helps me create more.  Moving out of my comfort zone opens up all kinds of opportunities and possibilities for me that I could never even imagine for myself.

Moving out of my comfort zone allows me to help others see that it’s pretty safe out here, and that they should try it as well.

The scared mousy me role that I played for a few years is not a role I ever want to play again.  I felt trapped and insecure and totally unworthy and definitely undeserving.

The ache to stop being that frightened girl was about as deep and raw as any feeling I’ve ever felt, and it wasn’t a fun being scared and 1000% self-conscious all of the time.

When I think of all the opportunities I didn’t take because I was just too scared to, I just shake my head. I was so concerned about what others might think.  I feared being judged…..the biggest fear for most people!

I was asked to be make up artist and hair stylist on movie sets and on an ongoing country music tv show for pete’s sake, and I said no.  That was wayyyyyyyyy too far out of my comfort zone.  Imagine what I’d be doing now, if I’d only said yes, like I really wanted to.  

I can’t change that now, but I can allow it to teach me something.  I can embrace the lesson in that.

Although I have a ways to go, I do like who I am becoming.  

I do like that I can be me in almost any situation now, and that’s ok.  

Sometimes the quiet-I-just-want-to-sit-here-and-listen me shows up; and sometimes the social butterfly shows up. 

Sometimes the flirty-skin-bearing-vixen shows up and sometimes the flannel-wearing-innocent-saint appears.

Sometimes the housekeeper in me goes hard and other times, the slothly-I-just-want-sit-and-do-nothing me is present.

And you know what, that’s ok.

Because I am just being who I need to be in that moment.  Authentic and real and raw and me.

I don’t require as many hats with masks anymore, because I can be more me now in most situations than I’ve ever been, and I am so very grateful for that.  So grateful.  

That being said, I shall remove the blog hat now....it's time for the hatless me to go for a dip in our renegade pool!

Have a blessed day!....~M