Hustle and/or Die

I admit it.

I got caught up in the crazy.

In a world I wasn’t even interested in, but worked so very hard to make it work.

And it cost me.

It cost me my health. It cost me money when the economy tanked, and I searched desperately for help.  Buying more books and going to more workshops, even when I didn't have the money.   It cost me friendships.  It cost me family time.  

It cost me ‘me time”.

It cost me confidence and self-worth.  

It cost me more than what I got out of it.

I lost the reason for doing what I set out to do. 

Hustle is what we were directed to do and so I did.  

And it darn near did me in.

I mean, it WAS working for others, why wasn’t it working for me?  So I worked harder.  Even when I wasn’t ‘working’, I was feeling the pressure of not hustling.  

If I wanted to chill and read, I felt guilty not reading a business book or self help book or attending some “get richer and be more successful by hustling more” workshop.   So I stopped reading for leisure.  

If I wanted to listen to music, I felt guilty that I wasn’t listening to a podcast on how to hustle more.  So I stopped listening to music.

I was trying to write "blogs" about stuff that didn't even interest me, but what I was directed to write about.  So I stopped writing altogether.  

I stopped all the things that gave me joy and I tried to ‘hustle’.

‘Can sleep when you’re dead”

“Don’t stop until you have what you want”

“Don’t quit”; “Eat, sleep and breathe your business”; “Never stop learning”; “Get up at 5 am to be successful”; “Tv’s,  movies, novels, etc are for the weak and lazy”; "It's lonely at the top, but do it anyway"; "Quitting is never an option"; "Your success depends on how hard you work"....

Seriously made a mess in my head.  And I burnt out hard and furious.  Because I wasn't "successful" so I thought I had to work even harder.

I was feeling inadequate, like a failure, less than and I sure felt like I didn't matter.  That what I was doing didn't matter.   And I felt like like there was no where to turn because it seemed no one was as interested in helping me as I believed.  

Oh, I guess it wasn’t all bad.

I learned a lot.  A LOT…

One thing I learned is that money is not a motivator for me.  How silly is that?  Who doesn’t want more money?  

Well, I require more money, sure, but if I don’t enjoy what I am doing, then the money doesn’t come.  The End.  

For me anyway.  

Because I was resentful and angry and frustrated and BOOM…it all just stopped in its tracks and the struggle became way more than I could handle.

I hustled; I read the books; I listened to podcasts; I forced myself to get up super early in the morning and hated every second of it; I was too tired and too needing to sleep at some point to enjoy my spouse and activities with family.  I skipped family/social events to work; I gained weight because I didn’t take time to eat (Not one of the 'lucky" ones who lose weight with stress) ; I stopped moving as much because I was either exhausted or benched because of what happening with my body.

The stress manifested.  In my body and in my mind, as anxiety.  

I didn't know how to balance it all out. 

And I became someone I didn’t even recognize anymore.  I was not having fun.  I was shutting down socially.  I was too tired to do anything.  I cried all of the time.  I felt bad all of the time.  

I resented what I was becoming.  

What I thought I was supposed to do, wasn’t even in alignment with my vision or what I wanted my life to look like!

And the universe made sure I was aware of that…haha!

Ugh.  

It took me a few years to get it, but I am finally on the track to sanity.  

My version of sanity anyway.  I don't require anyone to understand.  

I need to be the one who understands what feeds my soul.

It's like when someone leaves a miserable-for-them high paying corporate job to happily go make soap in their kitchen.  Why they traded the gut-wrenching anxiety driven J O B, to do what they love.  Only they can understand why they did it.  And that is truly all that matters.  

I’m back to crafting and my art.  I am getting back to writing.  

I am back to gathering with friends and family.  

I am back to listening to my body what IT wants, not what the latest trends and society dictates.

And I feel sooooo much better.  Not 100% yet, but much better.  

I know I have a long way to go.  

In fact, I know I’ll be a work in progress until my last moment on earth.  

I still feel like I am spinning in circles some days.  My mind is still a bit messed up about how to balance it all.  

I still feel guilty crafting or sculpting or taking family time instead of reading another business book.  I am still a business owner, after all, and I still have employees, and clients who need me to be all that I can be for them.  And I am a mom, and a wife, and have family that needs me.  I still have people I need to show up for.

I just had to learn to juggle all the balls I have in the air, in a way that gives me peace at the end of the day.  Not one that makes my guts hurt day in and day out. 

Who am I really? Truly, I don’t know.  

But this feels good.  

What I am doing now feels good.

Better than what I was doing.  

I can breathe again. I can sleep again.  

Ease, joy and glory are now my mantras, not hustle, grind, suffer and die.

I don’t feel crushed under the burden of ‘hustle’ anymore.

That works for so many people and I admire that, but it’s not what I require, even though I thought it was.

Where is it going to take me?

No idea, but I’m excited for this next chapter!....~M