Hustle and/or Die

I admit it.

I got caught up in the crazy.

In a world I wasn’t even interested in, but worked so very hard to make it work.

And it cost me.

It cost me my health. It cost me money when the economy tanked, and I searched desperately for help.  Buying more books and going to more workshops, even when I didn't have the money.   It cost me friendships.  It cost me family time.  

It cost me ‘me time”.

It cost me confidence and self-worth.  

It cost me more than what I got out of it.

I lost the reason for doing what I set out to do. 

Hustle is what we were directed to do and so I did.  

And it darn near did me in.

I mean, it WAS working for others, why wasn’t it working for me?  So I worked harder.  Even when I wasn’t ‘working’, I was feeling the pressure of not hustling.  

If I wanted to chill and read, I felt guilty not reading a business book or self help book or attending some “get richer and be more successful by hustling more” workshop.   So I stopped reading for leisure.  

If I wanted to listen to music, I felt guilty that I wasn’t listening to a podcast on how to hustle more.  So I stopped listening to music.

I was trying to write "blogs" about stuff that didn't even interest me, but what I was directed to write about.  So I stopped writing altogether.  

I stopped all the things that gave me joy and I tried to ‘hustle’.

‘Can sleep when you’re dead”

“Don’t stop until you have what you want”

“Don’t quit”; “Eat, sleep and breathe your business”; “Never stop learning”; “Get up at 5 am to be successful”; “Tv’s,  movies, novels, etc are for the weak and lazy”; "It's lonely at the top, but do it anyway"; "Quitting is never an option"; "Your success depends on how hard you work"....

Seriously made a mess in my head.  And I burnt out hard and furious.  Because I wasn't "successful" so I thought I had to work even harder.

I was feeling inadequate, like a failure, less than and I sure felt like I didn't matter.  That what I was doing didn't matter.   And I felt like like there was no where to turn because it seemed no one was as interested in helping me as I believed.  

Oh, I guess it wasn’t all bad.

I learned a lot.  A LOT…

One thing I learned is that money is not a motivator for me.  How silly is that?  Who doesn’t want more money?  

Well, I require more money, sure, but if I don’t enjoy what I am doing, then the money doesn’t come.  The End.  

For me anyway.  

Because I was resentful and angry and frustrated and BOOM…it all just stopped in its tracks and the struggle became way more than I could handle.

I hustled; I read the books; I listened to podcasts; I forced myself to get up super early in the morning and hated every second of it; I was too tired and too needing to sleep at some point to enjoy my spouse and activities with family.  I skipped family/social events to work; I gained weight because I didn’t take time to eat (Not one of the 'lucky" ones who lose weight with stress) ; I stopped moving as much because I was either exhausted or benched because of what happening with my body.

The stress manifested.  In my body and in my mind, as anxiety.  

I didn't know how to balance it all out. 

And I became someone I didn’t even recognize anymore.  I was not having fun.  I was shutting down socially.  I was too tired to do anything.  I cried all of the time.  I felt bad all of the time.  

I resented what I was becoming.  

What I thought I was supposed to do, wasn’t even in alignment with my vision or what I wanted my life to look like!

And the universe made sure I was aware of that…haha!

Ugh.  

It took me a few years to get it, but I am finally on the track to sanity.  

My version of sanity anyway.  I don't require anyone to understand.  

I need to be the one who understands what feeds my soul.

It's like when someone leaves a miserable-for-them high paying corporate job to happily go make soap in their kitchen.  Why they traded the gut-wrenching anxiety driven J O B, to do what they love.  Only they can understand why they did it.  And that is truly all that matters.  

I’m back to crafting and my art.  I am getting back to writing.  

I am back to gathering with friends and family.  

I am back to listening to my body what IT wants, not what the latest trends and society dictates.

And I feel sooooo much better.  Not 100% yet, but much better.  

I know I have a long way to go.  

In fact, I know I’ll be a work in progress until my last moment on earth.  

I still feel like I am spinning in circles some days.  My mind is still a bit messed up about how to balance it all.  

I still feel guilty crafting or sculpting or taking family time instead of reading another business book.  I am still a business owner, after all, and I still have employees, and clients who need me to be all that I can be for them.  And I am a mom, and a wife, and have family that needs me.  I still have people I need to show up for.

I just had to learn to juggle all the balls I have in the air, in a way that gives me peace at the end of the day.  Not one that makes my guts hurt day in and day out. 

Who am I really? Truly, I don’t know.  

But this feels good.  

What I am doing now feels good.

Better than what I was doing.  

I can breathe again. I can sleep again.  

Ease, joy and glory are now my mantras, not hustle, grind, suffer and die.

I don’t feel crushed under the burden of ‘hustle’ anymore.

That works for so many people and I admire that, but it’s not what I require, even though I thought it was.

Where is it going to take me?

No idea, but I’m excited for this next chapter!....~M

Wise Words...

I'm reading a book right now called Mother Earth Spirituality by Ed McGaa, Eagle Man. 

It's a fabulous read; I'm thoroughly enjoying it and highly resonating with it. 

The following is a passage written by Environmental Liaison, Jan Hartke for Earth Day 1990...it pierced my heart ...I hope it pierces yours as well... 

" What does it take to inject a sense of urgency into this world? 

Do we have to tear a hole in the sky before we wake up? 

Well, we've done it. 

Do we have to see the life-giving rain be turned so acidic that it kills fish and trees and endangers human health? 

Well, we've done it. 

Do we have to watch the great seas rise, inundate our coastlines and disrupt agricultural patterns through global warming? 

Well, we're doing it. 

Do we have to see the great Rhine River run with a current of death caused by a disastrous pesticide spill? 

Well, we've seen it. 

Does cancer have to rise up among us like a modern plague because of radon and toxins? 

Well, we've seen it. 

Do the clouds of Chernobyl have to spew radioactivity around the globe for us to declare enough is enough? 

What does it take to inject a sense of urgency? 

What does it take to wake up world governments to the global environmental threat? 

Can we not see that the miner's canary is dying---that we must save the earth if we are to save ourselves?

I do not want to be an old man who tells his offspring in the glow of nostalgic reflection about the good old days when we used to have primeval forests and great whales and clean, fresh water. 

I want neither nostalgia nor bitterness, but I am tired of waiting while the earth is dying. 

I want to see the earth flourish, and want to see the ways of regeneration. " 

Wow, incredible food for thought. 

While I am probably preaching to the converted already, I know that it takes very little effort to clean up our earth....those little steps of cleaning up litter, using less plastics and packaging, driving less-biking more and so on. 

There are many websites available that will give you plenty of ideas on how to clean up our earth on small or big scales. 

One thing you may not have thought about is thanking Mother Earth for her abundance and her gifts. 

I touched on this in my last newsletter. 

I really was not aware of Mother Earth per se until my Bootcamp experience. 

It was an A-ha moment for me and I have been thanking Mother Earth every day since. 

The sweat lodge was an amazing experience to help me connect with Mother Earth....as were my silent walks. 

When you're out walking, touch the leaves, the trees, the grass and so on...giving thanks to the earth as you do. 

We don't have too many options available to us if we destroy Earth. 

To quote Chief Seathl in a letter to the President of the USA in 1854...

"Whatever befalls the earth befalls the sons of the earth. Man did not weave the web of life; he is merely a strand in it. 

Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself." ....and.....

"Continue to contaminate your bed, and you will one night suffocate in your own waste." 

Pierces the heart doesn't it.... Mother Earth is a precious living being and it's up to us to help her heal....so go on...take that silent walk today and be oh so thankful. (and pick up some trash along the way...) 

You'll be amazed how it makes you feel as well.......enjoy!!.....~M

Bootcamp for Goddesses

Just spent a week in Montana at camp...a camp for women! 

Check it out www.bootcampforgoddesses.com 

Women, you need to go to this camp. 

Men, you need to send your girl there if she resonates with the info on that site. 

Life changing and totally, totally amazing. 

Check it out.....~M

School's End

Well, tomorrow wraps up another year for my kids at school. 

Wow...I have no idea where this year has gone. I guess the better part of the harsh winter I was tied up with my dad's ailments, but aside from that, I must have blinked too long because I missed it! 

Once again, I am excited about this summer's activities. 

From now until my wedding in October, we are going to be busy. I have a retreat planned with one of my best buddies! We are going to a women's bootcamp retreat for 6 glorious days! There'll be hiking, yoga, sweatlodges, women's workshops, breathwork, African dancing, aromatherapy and so on. Sounds so empowering doesn't it? 

We, my family and I, do a bootcamp here at home where we do sets of walking, squats, lunges, push ups, sit ups, step ups, up and down the bleachers and so on. We plan on keeping it up as many days as possible all summer. 

We are also planning a few camping weekends with our little family and that will be a new adventure for us. We usually head to someone's cabin , rather than staying in a campsite, so that will be so much fun for all of us! 

I am helping put a school cookbook together this summer so there'll be lots of typing. 

I am also co-chair to our parent conference that we will be hosting in the fall. 

And my mini-college reunion is also happening this year so there's always a chance for some all nighter Kaiser tournaments. 

Busy summer.....that's for sure! 

While it all sounds jam-packed with activities, I know there'll also be time for some quieter moments too. 

We actually disconnected our Satellite programming for the summer so there will be time for lots of exploring, lots of frog catching and lots of laughs. 

Yes, I am feeling the little heart palpitations of not having the tv available for the times I need to unwind or for the times my children need a moment as well. 

Guess we'll be reading more books and having more cuddle sessions! 

I know there'll also be some softer times so I can meditate and continue on my path as an energy therapist.  

I am looking forward to summer this year for so many obvious reasons and I plan to enjoy it one day at a time. 

Winter was hectic, hopefully summer will go by just a wee bit slower. 

Enjoy your summer and remember to take time to slow down....really enjoy it...rain or shine! 

Be grateful for whatever kind of weather as each moment is a moment for adventure and exploration, rather than one of disappointment and anger. 

Here's to summer bliss......~M

Foot In Mouth Moments

Now, anyone who knows me, knows that I'd rather step in front of the bus than let anyone else be hurt. 

It's been my nature for as long as I can remember, although my brothers would probably tell you otherwise in discussing our childhood. 

But aside from those personality developing years, I'm really careful about what I say and I usually always try to put others' feelings first. 

However....once in a while I slip up and the words are out before I think about the ramifications of what I just said. 

Usually it's in respect to my kids who I let drive my bus on many occasions, but there are those times when I blurt things out when I'm in the driver's seat. 

Things I wish I could take back but just can't. 

I guess we all do that once in a while but I am not fond of those moments in myself. I've worked hard on being in a place where I honor and respect others and wish them only life's best. 

So when I mess up and cross the line into their lives, I have a hard time forgiving myself. I beat myself up pretty bad when I know I've stepped on someone's toes or interfered with their stuff. 

I know I am not alone in this, I know there are others who beat themselves up too and have regrets. 

I guess the only thing we can do when this happens is to step out of our misery and fear and try to rectify the situation. 

Say "I'm sorry" and learn from it. 

Man oh man, those life lessons can be difficult sometimes, can't they? 

I would never intentionally hurt anyone and if I do, because of an error in my judgment, I am sadly disappointed in myself. 

I do feel that my job on Earth is to make people's lives better...in a kind and gentle way....not by interfering in their journeys. 

I can only hope that if I have stepped on your toes, be it in any way, you accept my humblest apologies and understand that I have only love in my heart for you and wish only smiles, laughter, love and joy for you. 

This is my deepest wish for everyone......M

Can I Do It?

Inspiration comes in all forms, I've noticed and from all directions. 

Some of our friends have, as a family, taken on a huge challenge. 

The 12 year old son gave up computers, tv AND video games for a year and the daughter gave up chocolate. Their reward, and they earned it, was that their mother treated them to an all expense paid trip to Edmonton for the weekend. 

That got us thinking in this house. While not everyone is on board yet, my oldest and I decided to give it a whirl. 

Our challenge starts this week. She is giving up chocolate and pop. 

My challenge is to give up chocolate and potato chips. We may also include an exercise factor in that challenge. 

We haven't quite decided on a grand prize yet as we are waiting to see if the rest of the family is coming on board. 

Not going to lie,  I'm a little concerned here.....I love chips. Chocolate is no biggie, really...but chips? Holy man, I don't know if I can do it. 

A year without chips? 

How will I quiet those hungry chip monsters that reside deep down in my body...the ones that whisper oh so quietly.."Go buy some chips"...then get louder as the day goes on until I finally break down and buy the chips. 

How will I shush those voices? 

What will I do with my hands when I'm sitting down to a movie? 

How will I manage at get togethers where the bowls of chips are endless? 

How will I pass time in the vehicle on those long, long trips? 

Panic is starting to set in, I think. I want to go buy some chips and eat the whole bag right now, just in case I forget what they taste like. Good thing it's late at night and the stores are closed. 

A year seems like forever right now. I'm sure my girl is feeling the same way about her challenge. Not that we drink much pop in this house, but she likes to get her fix when she can. 

A year...hhmmmm. 

Well, I agreed to it and I will stick to it. Good thing we have EFT to help us out. Not sure I'd be able to do it without EFT. 

Can you do me a favor though? 

If I come to your house, can you hide the chips? Thanks! 

So I hope our challenge inspires your family to set up your own family challenge. 

What can you let go of? 

We wanted to make it somewhat of a harder challenge so we gave up things that would really test us...and it will test us! 

Let me know if you decide to take on a family challenge. It's fun and it's a family thing and, for us, it's a healthy challenge. Maybe you would like to give up biting your nails, maybe you'd like to exercise 5 days a week, maybe you'd like to give up tv for a year, like our friend's son did. 

Whatever your challenge is, I'd sure like to hear about it if you decide to do it! 

Oh, can I do this? 

I think so....it's setting a good example for my kids and I may even end up impressing myself at the same time....always good for the self-confidence. Wish us luck!!......~M

Ahhh...Spring Cleaning

Finally, the snow is almost gone and the air is warm and the windows are opened. 

 I love spring. 

It's a time to refresh. 

It's a time to cleanse. 

It's a time to stretch. 

And it's a time to clean the house....okay, maybe I don't love that part. 

But...because I've been otherwise detained for most of the year so far, my house sure needed to be "cleansed". 

It sure doesn't take long for the piles to grow and the dust bunnies to multiply. 

As I was cleaning out closets and dusting all the ornaments, I wondered why I have all of this stuff....because most of it is just that...stuff. 

So I purged and, boy, did it feel good! 

I took the advice of the experts and only kept what gave me pleasure. 

Sure, there was a guilt factor there, especially when I decided to let go of gifts people have given me. 

I decided, however, that if I haven't used the item for a year or if it didn't give me pleasure to look at it, it went in the garage sale box or the donation bag for the church rummage sale. 

The funny thing is, once I started, the kids got into it as well. Their rooms have also been spring cleaned and you can actually walk around their whole rooms now...not just on the path from the door to the bed. 

Now if we could get the toddler and his daddy on board, our house would sparkle! Baby steps, I guess. 

There are still some piles in the basement due to the ongoing renovations down there...but, you know, it feels pretty good around here lately. 

The house has a refreshed sense to it and it's someplace I want to be in, instead of dreading being here due to the clutter and piles. 

We're kind of clean freaks now, my older children and I. We're watching for any misdemeanors...for those who forget to pick up after themselves. 

I think we all feel better in our house now and we want to keep it that way. 

I guess the idea that your house is a reflection of you is true. 

A cluttered house does indicate a cluttered mind. For me, anyway.

I'm feeling a bit less overwhelmed these days and so is my house....and my family. 

Spring cleaning not only cleanses the house, but it cleanses the spirit as well. 

Spring cleaning your spirit feels amazing. 

 Now that my house is cleansed, it's time to do more cleansing of the spirit. 

More meditation, more walks outside, more laughter and more hugs...sounds like heaven to me!.....~M